Saturday, May 09, 2009

Am back

And feel like spewing out a whole load of nonsense.

Anyone else ever had that feeling like you want to tell someone something, but when you try to think of what it is you want to tell, you can't think of anything?

I get bouts of that quite often.

I will want to tell someone something, but I never know what it is I want to tell.

It's like I've a lot of indescribable feelings, so much so that I can't even describe it to myself.

A couple of nights ago I had that feeling again, but I couldn't control it and it just overwhelmed me.

I seeked solace at the wrong place and the wrong time and with the wrong way but thankfully I was with the right people, and everything turned out all right after that, humiliation aside. Being somewhere where no one else knows me is a plus. =P

Once I got home I had stuff to do, and that took my mind off things, but now that I've finished whatever I had to finish, Boom that indescribable feeling washes over me again.

I think I know what it's about this time round, as some things someone told me keeps on going round my head like a broken tape player. Now (only now, as I typed this) I'm thinking, do I really want all that, that badly? In the short run it'll probably be good for me, but I think I might not be strong enough to prevent it after a while. And after that, what happens?

A year ago I wouldn't believe I will have these images going through my head but now the scene replays itself at random moments. It stops after the start, yes, but after it starts, when do I stop? I still don't know whether I'll go through with it.

I want to talk to someone I'm close to about it, but I don't want anyone close, or even someone who knows me to know about it.

If only I had the superpower to remove memories. If I did, I'll leave now and confront and if it's bad news I will erase that moment from his memory forever.

But nothing will make me want to erase any of mine.

Memories make too good life lessons to waste.


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